Days where

 I feel like everyone dislikes me

And vice-versa

Sucks

FUCK

 Hate this abyssal feeling

I know i am old

 But sitting here at a table at capital makes me think of all the times when I was 20 to 25 partying

But I think most importantly  I wanna say how lousy I've been living in the past few months since 2023.

DPDR has been fking fking strong since but I've not found time to talk about it.

Lol Scott just lunged on me and told me allson is very busy. 

Okay music is very good good bye

Poison - Alice Cooper

I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison running through my veins

I wanna love you but I better not touch

I wanna to hold you but, but my senses tell me to stop

First 2024 post

I think my avoidance behaviour (something I've realised at the start of the year) has made me procrastinate writing this for so long.

Not really just avoiding people when things get overwhelming but avoiding my inner self too.

I'm caught in between the idea that I've been getting better and I've been avoiding the darker side of things.

I can't trust either side.

DPDR was actually really strong since mid December and peak at January.

But I kept avoiding sitting down with myself to think about it, and just kept playing the guitar.

I don't even know if this guitar passion thing is real.

What if it just ends up like short-lived like skateboarding?

But I think one thing is for sure, I really am exploring music more for the start of the year and really enjoying it.

Can't believe I actually do enjoy metal to a certain extent.

And I do wish to continue exploring what kind of music speaks with me best.

Just like what kind of videos I'd like to shoot.

But yes as of now Feb 2024, I realise I do like math rock quite a lot.

Not sure if it's the influence of ho's band.

But I guess I enjoyed Ichika's music a lot which led me to Yvette Young and now Covet.

Might be just a phase but ok doesn't really matter.

But anyways, I think instead of vomiting out all these music ideologies, I think I just wanna say that I am living in uncertainty now.

30 is indeed a scary number.

I was triggered by the fact that I've lost 1.8k from gambling in 2 nights.

I think the emotions I felt this morning isn't entirely a representative of how I have been.

It was just very triggering.

Like the whole process of waking up and knowing that I've lost a lot of money last night.

And opening my room door and pretending to be okay.

Just like all those trading nights.

And it just felt like a repeat of those darker nights.

I'm definitely living with the trauma of trading and I guess understanding it is important.

And because of the triggers, I think a lot comparatively  about my financial struggles and the meaning of life.

And it just makes me really stress and sad that I am just so slow in life.

So have I really come to term with myself about the fact that I need to reset my life?

Maybe not entirely.

But I know I am still in the process of trying hard to come to terms with myself.

At the end of it, these raw words tell me that I am indeed doing better because I see myself addressing my own negative thoughts.

Take a deep breath.

Take your time.

It's your own consciousness to live with.

And that is the meaning of life.

Right?

Slight bitter taste #2

364 days weighing down on this final day.

2023 was definitely one of the worst years of all.

But I guess the bounce is strong for now.

And I'm thankful for this trampoline deep in the darkness.

2023 had been...

Tough and painful.

So many alone nights thinking what the fuck am I doing with life.

Especially how I've fucked up all that I've built.

I doubt this bounce everyday. 

I doubt my words too when I tell people that I'm doing better.

I doubt it when I tell myself that I am doing better as well.

The past 2 months were more of distracting works than silent reflections.

But one thing I know for sure is how music had and is still changing the way I think.

And the funny thing is most of the songs I have no idea what the lyrics are.

Finding my music genre was probably the same feeling as how I found filmmaking as my job?

It's as if things are falling in place when I enjoy a good music or watch a good film.

And for a long moment in this year, I was so lost in trading that I start finding my favourite things mundane and pointless. 

1. My career

2. Climbing

3. Friends

One of my favourite song this year was probably YUNHWAY's SCREAM.

Because talking about friends I always think about the lyrics

"Old friends, new friends, let me be me."

Such a simple line but the comparison of old and new friends in this one line felt so powerful.

Idk but I read it like regardless of how long you know me does not make you know me more or less.

I am ever-changing and that's why you should just let me be me.

And the only true constant is yourself.

My mind is all over the place now.

Hahaha.

I mean with or without L I'm always like this.

It's scary to think back on the whole of 2023.

But Grampians was probably the highlight for me in the reality sense.

It's my first time being in Australia or even my first time being in an 'angmoh' country.

And seeing the lifestyle in Melbourne made me think so much and start weighing what's truly important to me.

And for the deeper spiritual sense, probably from late October to now. 

It took awhile but I've finally come to terms with the amount I've lost I trading. 

As cliche as it is, without this loss, I think I wouldn't start soaking up creativity all over again like how I did before I graduated from NUS.

And for now, I would say music is slowly climbing up my list of important things.

Never too old to learn and appreciate music. 

Without this loss, I wouldn't have talked to my Dad too after 4 years of Cold War.

And it aches me less now when I watch films with 'Father and Son' concepts or seeing Father and Son relationships in real life.

And I guess I feel less unfilial now (even though I haven't do anything to 'repay' them)

Hahaha but I guess is the mindset shift and the vulnerable talks that night.

I wish 2024 will be a better year.

And I'm excited to find out if 2024 is gonna be a year of music exploration.

It's as if colours are slowly coming back to me again.

But can't deny the fact that it's still blur as fuck. 

In the DPDR sense recently.

Lol.

To a better year ahead.

Thanks for stoking friends.

Turning 30 soon wew.

Can't believe I've been blogging since 15.

All these words here are like soft copy of half of my life.

I wonder how it feels if 50 years down the road, someone read my blog from when I was 15 years old till I'm 80.

Sick film idea.

Okay I think it's gonna hit me real soon. (L)

Gonna just wind down for the last 2 hours+ of 2023.

Slight bitter taste

On my lips.

But it is this moment that make me feel most human. (I think?)

Just thinking it's so great that I have a blog that allows me to track down my inner state.

And this inner state has been recorded for the past 14 years or so.

I've grown so much since my first post hahaha.

But I'm still me~

Good night.